The deeper you go, the harder it gets (pun not intended).
I came to realise why I didn’t want to know other people, especially men.
For a very long time, I chose to believe that I didn’t, because I wasn’t interested. That there isn’t any reason for any association, thence I stayed away. Concertedly.
And so I was careful. Careful to maintain a safe distance from the men in my life.
I made connects, acquaintances turned into good friends and gradually the shy me, turned into a social person.
When you go from aloof to sociable, you can’t help but notice a few things. Like, how much time people invest and have been investing in their need to be heard and recognised in their cliques. How much effort people put in for attention. How important is the need for validation from people.
But it isn’t all so bad. If you’re lucky you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find people who cringe at the same things you do. Who will help you understand that sometimes, perspective of the other helps you learn more everyday.
They fascinate you and inspire you and open your eyes to things you’ve never cared about.
They become those books you don’t want to stop reading, because their feelings and worries and joys and fears have become a part of you too. Because they have this unique courage of being themselves.
What is funny though, is, instead of these things making you feel like you’re losing yourself, you feel like you’re more in-tune with yourself, because you’ve grown to learn how truly capable you are.
And just like turning the last page of a wonderful book, you fear you’ll reach the end of the chapter of your relationship with this person. This is when you wish, you’d never come out of your shell in the first place.
I didn’t interact with a lot of men, because I never wanted to like someone more than I liked you. I never wanted to meet someone I could connect with so well that makes me question what I have with you. Because all this time, when I kept you so close to me, we never hit it off as well as this new person in my life and now I don’t know what to make of it.
So now when I retreat to my shell, I can’t. It won’t take me back. Maybe because I didn’t realise that I’ve grown out of it.
That these past few experiences have made me true to strangers and a liar to you. That I’m embracing the storms and running away from peace. Mentally fatigued from words like love and trust, don’t make me fix you, because I’m only going to ruin you and with or without me you’re going to pull through.
Often, I’ve realised, that the timing is perfect, it’s just that we aren’t.